I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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