I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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