I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
