I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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