he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
