well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
