So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
