he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
