I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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