she was so not down for the gang bang
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
