What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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