I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
