His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
