Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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