Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
