when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
