Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
