You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
