It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
