You just made me feel so damn special
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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