Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
