Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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