I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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