I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
