Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
