the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize