I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
