I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
