Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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