I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
