I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
