If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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