bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
