Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
