last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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