it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
