Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
