So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
