Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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