There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
