haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
