i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
