I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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