I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
