So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
