woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
