dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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