Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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