It's Friday. Sex?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
