One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
