Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize