I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
