I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
