It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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