tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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