there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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