She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize