Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
