I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
