So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
