I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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