I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
