Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
