Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
